The Nutty Dictator.

Alexander the Fruitcake? In the race to be the craziest world leader, you'd have thought Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Kim Jong-un would be front runners. Well think again. President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarussia is currently romping away with the title. When every other country is closing borders, outlawing sporting events and mass gatherings, while practicing social distancing, President Lukashenko vigorously refutes any Coronavirus information, as gross misinformation.

Corona Ice Capades? Alexander’s favourite sport is ice hockey. He recently played in front of a crowd of 1000s. Interviewed afterwards he said, ‘There are no viruses here! You haven’t seen them flying around, have you? He believes winter sports work particularly well against COVID19. ‘This is a fridge. Sport, particularly on ice, that’s the best actual anti-virus remedy.’

A Vodka a Day... Alexander’s prescription for his fellow Belarusians is to drink 50ml of vodka a day. He’s convinced this will ward off the virus BUT sensibly added a sobering caveat, not to do this at work. As that would be foolhardy and dangerous. Obviously, his advice is at odds with the recommendations of the World Health Organisation. ‘A shot of vodka a day keeps COVID19 away!’, won't be adopted as a catchy tagline any time soon.

Safety Last! Apart from taking up ice hockey, figure skating and curling, President Lukashenko also recommends his fellow Belarussians take regular saunas, work for hours in the fields and take breakfast on time. He believes this will be sufficient for them to stay healthy during this difficult period in history. In fact, he dismisses all recommended measures being enforced across the rest of Europe as ‘Frenzy and psychosis’.

Heroes on Parade? He’s even vowed that Belarussia’s Victory Day, will go ahead as planned, on May 9^th. This is a national day of celebration, where surviving Belarussian World War II veterans, gather together to parade through the streets of Minsk. What could possibly go wrong? A mass gathering of a country’s most revered, elderly citizens? They may have survived Hitler’s goose-steppers but they may not survive the week. Unless of course they are drip-fed vodka, in which case they’ll be right as rain in no time. NOT!

Virus of the Day. President Lukashenko has also sanctioned the Belarussian Premier League to play on. Making it the only league in Europe not to have been put on hold. In fact, the matches are drawing record crowds. Even securing lucrative broadcasting deals in over ten new countries, including Russia, Israel and India. Football starved supporters and I speak as one, will obviously watch anything. A Belarussian Federation spokesman put paid to any niggling worries the public may have, by assuring them ‘precautions have been taken to allow the games to go ahead. We’ve taken all the measures recommended by the Sports Ministry. All those in contact with fans are supplied with GLOVES.’ Judging by footage of chanting, shirtless youths dancing 6 inches apart, social distancing is something that’s obviously been lost in translation. Who knows in 6 months, we might all be arguing over a dodgy VAR decision in the Minsk derby! Personally, I’ll be supporting FC SLUTsk for reasons best known to my close friends and family. Let’s just leave it there.

Last Man Standing! Even the most ardent of virus doubters, Trump and Putin included, have been forced to perform policy about-turns. Having said the ‘situation was under control’, two weeks later Vladimir told Russians to stay home and closed Mother Russia’s borders. Donald too, after minimising COVID19’s threat to the US, has been forced to take drastic action. Finally listening to health experts, who’d been recommending social distancing in order to curb the ravages of the virus across the States. Described as Europe’s last dictator, President Lukashenko continues to ignore medical advice. Belarussian borders remain open, transport runs as normal, mass gatherings still regularly take place. 9.5 million Belarussians have not been ordered to stay indoors. Lukashenko’s only concession to the virus is that all foreigners entering the country are required to self-isolate for 14 days. While companies have been told to increase ventilator production. Who’d be a Belarussian?

Don’t Mention the Virus! Remarkably Belarus still has a KGB. A throwback to when it formed part of the old USSR (Union of Soviet Socialist Republics). These days, its main job is to keep information about COVID19 from spreading faster than the virus itself. Anyone reporting a Coronavirus death is immediately put on one of their infamous lists. Anyone in the media doubting official Coronavirus statistics is quickly dealt with. Like the Minsk News Editor who printed ‘IT’S TIME TO PANIC.’ Charges were rapidly trumped up and his offices raided. Freedom of the press, indeed.

Worst Soundbite Wins! Maybe it’s all a ruse between global big hitters to see who can give the most ludicrous soundbite? First one to go viral about the virus wins! Of course, Trump was out the gates early, blaming China, The European Union, an elaborate Democrat hoax and of course, fake news. His moral twin, the vagrant in Number 10, tried to play it for laughs. Going into his usual tousled-haired buffoon routine but nothing as yet has stuck. Proving Bojo is no later day Winnie. Monsieur Macron has behaved with more authority, declaring war on an enemy we can’t see. Not bad. But for me Frau Merkel gets my vote for speaking from the heart, ending a television address, with ‘Take good care of yourself and your loved ones.’ But the winner for sheer gung-ho stupidity is our old friend in the Belarussian corner. 'It's better to die standing on your feet than live on your knees.' I wonder if all of that will fit on freshly engraved, Belarussian gravestones?